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Category Archives: Escapades

Escapades performed while under the influence, or lessons on what not to do.

While these escapades cannot possibly appear in any semblance of chronology, they can be roughly time-lined by any mention of year, age, etc. They will appear as they pop into any particular day’s reality; something will happen that makes me recall one, though there may well be no actual connection between what’s happening and what I am remembering. So, let’s go …

One night I was out, alone, and bar-hopping in Plattsburgh, NY. I suppose I was about 19 .. maybe 20. I know it was winter, because I was driving a Mercury Montego and my MG was on blocks and garaged until spring. Plus, I remember it being cold. Really cold.

The drink of the night was Johnny Walker Black and water … but knowing me the water was probably only the ice.

I spent a good part of the evening at my cousin’s club, called The Office. They had rock bands six nights per week, so it was a destination spot for me; plus I could drink practically for nothing. Oddly, I don’t remember leaving there, but obviously I did, because I ended up  at a college hangout called The Monopole, which is in some alley in downtown Plattsburgh. Kinda off of the main drag. And, trust me, Plattsburgh is mainly a drag.

In any event, I eyed this girl who I thought was totally attractive. I don’t really remember too much about her. I do remember that she was probably a few years older than I was, maybe 24 or so. On the shorter side, small and not overly curvaceous, with short dark hair; just my type. We chatted for a bit, and out of the blue she said “I think I could really like you, but I know I can’t trust you because you’re too good-looking.” I protested this, but any effort from that point on was wasted.

Now, I can’t comment on her taste. I may have been halfway decent looking back then; I don’t know. The point here is that that put me in a mood. I became confused and half pissed off. Naturally I was confused; I must have had well over half a quart of Black into me by that point.

I left the bar and saw some unfortunate, drunken dude outside. I asked him what was up. He said he was drunk and needed a ride home. I offered. He accepted. My evil side was coming out in full demonic force.

We got in the car and I headed north for the 25 mile drive home. I already had 2 DUI’s under my belt, but was I about to care? No.

About ten miles into the ride, the guy says to me, “I don’t think this is the way to my house.” I asked where he lived, and was told he lived only a couple blocks from the bar where he’d been a mere puddle in front of ten miles previously. I just told him that he could stay at my house that night, and that we’d keep drinking. He seemed OK with that, and nodded off.

Back in Rouses Point, where I lived, I pulled up in front of a nice apartment building and he woke up. He asked, “Are we there?”. I said yes. I told him I had to park the car, but that my wife would let him in. He only had to go apartment whatever, knock and that I’d be along in a minute. The apartment I chose was upstairs and not right next to the car. He said cool, got out and went to find the right door. I left. I went to where I actually did live, which at the time was on the 3rd floor of a hotel/restaurant where I was head bartender. The apartment was part of the package. It was only about a quarter-mile from where I’d dropped this poor bastard off.

The next morning the hotel owner, who was a great friend as well, looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and asked what I’d been up to the night before. I said not much. He went on to tell me that some drunken dude had banged on HIS door, which was on the 2nd floor, waking both he and his wife. He’d told him that he’d gotten to Rouses Point in “that green car out there, and where was the asshole who owned it?” He got no info, but did get a threat of police intervention. I also heard the next day that he ended up actually going back to the original apartment, which was occupied by an old lady I didn’t like and was specifically chosen for this little misadventure. They guy did end up getting arrested. He had himself a helluva night at the expense of my own drunken behavior.

This is a good example of what you SHOULD NOT do, despite youth, drunkenness or just idiocy. Causing problems for someone who already has a plateful of them is a really, really rotten thing to do, and I regret having done it. But I laughed like hell when I did it!